- Rat Quest: Slaughter in the Shipyard!
So after drinking at our favorite inn, we needed money and took a quest to kill some rats! We should have sobered up before heading in, What foul magic caused them to LOOK LIKE THAT?!?! Man sized with mandibles SET TO CLAMP! manfolk and adventuring dwarves, THEY LURCHED with an otherworldly gait, foaming at the mouth! THEIR CLAWS! We found the shredded remains of a recently chewed dockworker, his colleague was consumed to all but bones, and Nils was almost SAVAGED BY A LURKER! The night air was unusually, brisk for the season, as if a magical curse was draining the life from the area! we heard, the sound, of seagulls, shrieking from above, warning, their companions, of the danger below! We found the first nest following the stench of ungodly urine blowing from the west, little pieces of decaying flesh, Ground between the cracks of the green... dockwood, The smell of a few dozen recently defecated corpses and the copper tinge of blood can be tasted in the air!
- Enter the Cheesemonger!
Gnarly gnarls! What the fuck is that?! A GIANT RAT! A GIANT RAT! A GIANT RAT! A GIANT RAT! Gnarly gnarls! What the fuck is that?! A GIANT RAT! A GIANT RAT! A GIANT RAT! A GIANT RAT! ENTER THE CHEESE MONGER!! With fangs as big as my elbow, And teeth as sharp as my girlfriend's wit, At first I thought it a furry gelatinous cube, with two undulating hairy tits! With a swing, kick, cast, punch, dodge, and a saving throw, That slippery, slimy, giant rat got awaaaayyyyy He said “He who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day!”
- Selling Pelts: A Barbarian Tale of Unrequited Love!
She never notices me, even when I speak, I’m working up a sweat, talking to this elven ranger at the tannery so maybe I should just flee, she never notices me, How can I make her see, That he’ll kill-rats for a low-fee! I always feel like I’m left on the shelf You’re my first choice, but in this vill-age-of-10, I’m your twelfth Maybe I should polymorph myself! I’m not winning with the hand that I was dealt Is it because I am not an elf? Should I have put some more points in stealth? Maybe I should polymorph myself! He’s not winning with the hand he was dealt It doesn’t help that he’s not an elf! He shoulda put a few more points in stealth! I hope he doesn’t polymorph himself!
- The Inn of the Horny Unicorn!
"Gather now men, ladies and goons, by the hearth and we'll share some booze; At The Inn of the Horny Unicorn there's an offer you can't refuse! Llindelowyn speaks not of the tongue, but she speaks through the trees, Weaving her druidic magic spells, Watching you through the leaves! My name is Urg and I climb berg, And I used to sail the seas, In the days before the goblin wars, Where he lost both his knees! I’m Nils the monk and I like the drink, Defrocked, defamed, deloused and shamed I’m in denial that I’ve been hoodwinked I’m Eregmoth and I ran a con On the noble elves of Avalon I promised vintage, but sold them fakes, I’m sentenced to burn at the stake! Most folk call me shandolf but I’m known by many names, I sham as a wonderful wizard to hide my ill-gotten gains I’m Itspat and I’m a nerdy elf and I like to read books all day I like to stick things in my butt, but that does not mean that I am gay Hitta likes to bang on drums, Bangin’ cymbals, Bangin’ yer mums! We’ve assembled a band to fight and to loot --for battles and treasures to win-- at The Inn of The Horny Unicorn our lucrative quest begins!"
- The Questgiver and the Mystery of the Cursed Dildo!
I’m the Quest Giver, And I like to give quests, If you have any drugs, I’ll also take those off your chest I got a little problem, I wanna tell you about, That which is within, I want to be without I was at an orgy, With these jump kicking cats, They said “Hey pal bend over! We’ll show you where it’s at!” Since I was already at an orgy: I said “why not?” I should have stayed home and smoked some pot For 47 minutes it felt kind of nice, But little did I know, it’s a hind control device Now I’m hearing voices, From extraplanar entities, They show me secret sights that only I can see! Adventures, I beg you: jump into action! The pliers of rectification will remove this contraption Go to the temple of the elemental pool of the ra-di-ant beholder!
- Riding to the Temple of the Elemental Pool of the Radiant Beholder!
There are no lyrics to this song. It is an instrumental!
- Troglodytes from Dimension-X!
Troglodytes from Dimension-X on the scene, Looking for Bob Weir, Phil Lesh and Jerry! They have never seen the sun, so their tan’s a mystery-- that cloud of smoke shouldn’t be! The troglodytes were at a loss, Because the pliers wele stolen just minutes before! They said it was a giant man-cat with a ski-mask on! A giant man-cat with a ski-mask on! Skiiiiiiiiiiiiiii maaaaaaaaassssssssk onnnnnnnn!
- Follow the Yellow Snow Road!
West of the stream of diarrhea, There’s a field that’s drenched in Dragon Piss, Following the paw prints of, a feline filcher, The smelly yellow snow as far as the eye can see Our eyes burn, bloodshot--our vision blurs We press forward, on the yellow snow road! We tracked the paw prints through valley of the Buttgeyser! And sampled the addictive brew unique to the season, We will find the thief that stole the artifact that can help remove the cursed dildo out from the questgiver’s nether region The chasm of eternal farts nearly took our lives and then we sailed across a sea on magic boats of gryphon-hide! Using a 4th Level Locate Creature spell to find the masked Paka we tracked him to a cave where the shore meets the mountainside!
- Smurglar the Burglar!
Long whiskers And eyes of green, He's been a thief since he was weaned. he's Smurglar, the Burglar! the 'Cat-burglar Supreme'! Yes, this grand-son of Puss'n'Boots: he got there first and he took our loot! He's Smurglar, the Burglar! Our quest is rendered MOOT! I’m a genuine feline with a touch that is refined! Cloak and dagger, retractable claws: I’ve got the black market on the pad of my paw. I’m the clever, cute, cat crook with a yarn-ball grappling hook. A lock-picking, black-hat! p-p-p PUSSY-loving tomcat! I'll squeeze through any window to hear my ladies purr -- Like a flea in the catnip getting under their fur! Come for coitus on my perch! atop a carpeted tower: Smurglar, the Burglar, really makes those pussies mRowr!
- Gnomes Know How to PARTY!
Gnomes know how to party! Gnomes know how to party! Gnomes know how to party! Gnomes know how to party! We arrived in Gnome man’s land! Met the gnome with the dome: Gnome Chomsky! He just returned from an expedition! He’s a super smart psychonaut! A super smart psychonaut! Studying the linguistic patterns of transdimensional cyborg cats He likes to dab, dabble, pitter patter, get right at ‘er, and take a hit of the bat! Gnomes know how to party! Gnomes know how to party! Gnomes know how to party! Gnomes know how to party! These gnomes like to fix random things, as much as they like to trifle with, Fairy berries, pixie dust, shire weed, and being great goldsmiths! But if there is one thing that these gnomes love! More than anything in the world! It is sharing their special psychic mushroom tea with strangers passing through their town!
- The Jump Kick Cult from Dimension-X!
Goofballs in karate ge’s, with furrowed brows looking down on me, They practice doing jumpkicks on the library lawn, Between 11 and 3 most days when there’s sun They are showing off their skills Doing round houses and twirls, Impressing all the girls! They are taking off their shoes, At the door of another world! Penetrating and unfurled! Hind control It’s like mind control It’s not fun For anyone Hind control It’s like mind control It’s not fun For anyone Hind control Just like mind control But in my bum They said it would be fun! We know what they want! To stick their cursed dildos in our butts! We know what they need! To steal life energy through anal cavities! To open a portal To another possible world Searching through space and time To a universe where Jerry Garcia survived!
- We are the murderHobos!
We are the murderHobos, But we don’t murder hobos, We loot coin, gems, knives, shields, rings, and bows, AND ANYTHING ELSE WE CAN GRAB!-- From our foes! We are the murderHobos we don’t condone murdering hobos, We are the best of hobos! We are the murderHobos, Please please please please PLEASE don’t murder hobos! Thanks for coming to the show! Whoa!